Ask Abdul  

Do you have a problem and don't know where to turn?  Are you puzzled, befuddled, or just plain dumb?  If you have a question, Swami Abdul has an answer.  Write to swami@violetcrown.com and each month the Swami will pick questions and publish his answers here at "Ask Abdul".  Occasionally Swami Lizard will chime in.

Santa Bear's Helper asks:  Dearest Swami,  what are you hoping that Santa Bear will bring you this year?
Swami Abdul's answer:
I thought you'd never ask!  I want a fez.  A real fez from Morocco.  One that every manly bear would like to have.  Red with a black tassel.  Yes, indeed.  The perfect gift for everyone on your list, especially me.  I'll be waiting!
Swami Lizard says: I have a fez.
Swami Abdul replies: I hate you.

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Scotty the Beamer asks: Karen has gone off the walls and is teaching at a new school! She is still Poed at me for no good reason! Does she need more shoe boxes?
Swami Abdul's answer:
(Ahh...another installment in the continuing Karen & Scotty love story...)
No more shoe boxes! (see July Questions)  Shoes come in shoe boxes and it sounds like she's ready to use them as weapons to throw at you!  Now that she is organized, it seems that she's got time to fight.  So she needs something to occupy her time and get her mind off of whatever you have screwed up.  It would also be good if you had a common enemy to unite against.  This should be easy.  She undoubtedly has a student from hell.  Throw eggs at her car and tell her you saw that student do it.  Then offer to beat him (or her) up.  The best part is that you don't have to do it - just say you did and that the student promised never to throw eggs at her car again! That should make you a hero!  Another brilliant plan from the Swami!

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A Duck out of water asks: All Great, Powerful and Knowing Swami, I have just moved into my first new home.  There is so much to do and I seem to be having a hard time relaxing - especially at night when I should be sleeping.  What do you recommend?
Swami Abdul's answer:
Leave it to humans to screw up something so simple as sleeping!  But you came to the right Swami - I am an expert at sleeping and I can help.  Some people use tricks like drinking whiskey, taking pills or hitting themselves over the head with a hammer.  Note to humans: passing out is not the same as sleeping!  You can tell the difference the next morning, can't you!?!  So what's the answer?  GET A TEDDY BEAR!  Teddy bears will willingly accompany you anytime you want to go to sleep.  They will calm your nerves and never kick you during the night.  Learn from them.  I teach this "Sleep Seminar" for my humans in my home several times a day and every night, on beds and couches.  Sometimes I even practice without them.  I'm that dedicated to my craft!

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Scotty the Beamer asks: (followup to last month's question) But, Swami!!!  Karen has tons of beautiful shoes, thus shoeboxes!!! What is next? Tell her to get her act together so I can ask her a BIG QUESTION.
Swami Abdul's answer:
Ah, the continuing saga of Karen, the teacher/stripper, and her boyfriend, the clueless wonder. If I intervene, Karen will fall hopelessly in love with ME you fool!  So either ask the question or just give her up to me.  Although a teacher who is also a stripper sounds really appealing, I already have a full harem of adoring women.  So get YOUR act together and be a man or else she'll use all those shoes to walk all over YOU!   (and send me a video of her stripper act!)

Small brown bears ask:  Oh Wise Swami. Do you know of any good stocks two small brown bears should invest in, so that we can become billionares and lead a better life then we currently have?
Swami Abdul's answer:
As we all now know, stocks are for suckers and executives.  Since I am an executive bear and you are obviously suckers, you should invest in MY stock!  But since I haven't got any stock right now you will have to make do with buying my t-shirts and mugs.  Wait.  Those are probably worth more than stocks.  I should buy all my own t-shirts and mugs to drive up the prices!  Wow, I'm a swami AND a financial wizard!  Ok, so you are left with putting all your money in a savings account until my stock is ready.  Believe me, you'll thank me later!

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July 2002 Questions:

Scotty the Beamer asks: Oh thou, oh GREAT SWAMI!!! How can I help Karen to get her life back in order?
Swami Abdul's answer:
This is especially easy for women because the answer is SHOEBOXES!  Every woman has lots of them and that is all you need to get your entire life in order.  Forget the fancy-schmancy high dollar solutions that you have to buy!  I happen to have deduced from your earlier questions that Karen is a teacher/stripper.  Therefore, she should have plenty of oversized shoeboxes to accommodate all those 5-inch high heels that she undoubtedly owns!  So start organizing, Karen!

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Aspiring Singer asks: Oh Genius Swami Abdul...As usual, I am in complete awe of your brilliance-this time in the field of music. I am an aspiring musician-and actually have some talent (as if that matters). Do you have any words of wisdom for me?  Bowing to your greatness...
Swami Abdul's answer: 
You are absolutely right.  I am brilliant. (As you can see by my music videos.) You are also right in realizing that talent doesn't matter.  What matters is presentation!  If you aren't sexy, make sure you are surrounded by sexy people when you perform.  (Can you say, "Madonna"!?)  So even though I am very sexy, I make sure to have sexy dancers in my videos.  Learn from me, I am the master!  And if you are sexy, I might even allow you to be in my videos...if you pay me a small "talent" fee.  bwahahahaha.

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Scotty the Beamer asks: Oh, thou oh Great Swami,  What can I do to help Karen get past a most unsalubrious school year? She is a teacher and is having a year from HELL!!!   Have another beer for me Swami Abdul!!!:-)
Swami Abdul's answer: 
This is all wrong!  The teacher is supposed to make the students' lives a living HELL!!!  What are they teaching teachers these days? She should attend "Swami Abdul's "Give-'em-hell Teachers Camp" to set things straight. Remember, it's the students who are trapped in school, not the teachers.  This is just more proof that I need to take over the world to make things work the way they should.  MY WAY!  bwahahaha. (This is the kind of thinking that she will learn in my Teachers Camp.)

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Scotty the beamer asks:  Oh, Thou Great Swami!!!   Where did you gain such great knowledge and insight? P.S. Much of my knowledge came from Jim Beam before I quit it!!!
Swami Abdul's answer:
Ask any really great person and they will tell you what I am about to tell you....I DID IT ALL MYSELF!  There is no one else to thank.  It's only because of me, my natural good looks and brainpower, that I am where I am today!
Swami Lizard says: Yeah, he's on the couch, unemployed.
Swami Abdul's retort:  Jobs are for losers (and my slaves).  Ask Prince Charles, George Bush or any other aristocrat!  Now shut up and give me the remote control.

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Scotty the beamer asks:  Will Karen ever get her act together so I can pop the BIG QUESTION to her?
Swami Abdul's answer:
What, is she a stripper?  Yeah, wait till you see her act before you make any hasty moves!

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Rex asks:  With all the contradictory information about weight loss plans out there I have grown confused as to what would work best for me. Is a high protein, low fat/low carb diet the way to go, or something more balanced like the Weight Watchers? Do you think there is any validity to the blood type food plan?  I worship you
Swami Abdul's answer:
What works best is telling people: "I'm not fat.  I have an EXECUTIVE figure!"  Why strive to look like a starving refugee?  Flaunt your high position on the food chain.
Swami Lizard says:  The bear is fat.
Swami Abdul's retort:  I'm thinking of publishing the "Eat Lizards and Grow Thin" diet book for those suckers who actually believe in diets.  I'll get rich AND get rid of lizards!

necronomicon asks:   I have got a problem with my testes ! every time i hit them with a hammer it hurts like f*** - do you know of a way that i can protect them from myself - Also my feat smell like Donkey urine and I have a problem with my pants !!!
P.S. I am going to build myself a world domination website this weekend coz I rule and you don't !
Swami Abdul's answer:
Whoa! I need to change clothes before I get near this question...

There. That's better. 
You need to aim the hammer a little higher.  Higher still.  Even higher.  Now, when the hammer is directly above your head, hit as hard as you can.
Hopefully you will wake up in the mental institution that you escaped from.
P.S. I rule and you don't! ppppffffffttttt! And don't forget to join my fan club (see next question below).

Geez, another weirdo.  And that is the stinkiest mail I've ever gotten.  Now I have to have my slaves air out my house. phew!

Abdul-Worshipper asks:  You are my hero!  How can I grow up to be like you?
Swami Abdul's answer:
You can't.  But you can try to look like me.  Wear interesting hats and cool t-shirts and don't let anyone tell you that you are not great.  That's what I do!  
If you are really obsessive, you could dye cotton balls brown and glue them all over you so it looks like my fur. (If you do this, don't ever get near me because you are really weird.  I would, however, not object if you started a fan club for me.)

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K asks: O Great One, can you tell us what your Halloween costume was?
Swami Abdul's answer:  
I can do better than that, I can show you my fabulous self dressed as the Sorcerer's Apprentice!  Don't I look marvelous.  It was inspired by my recent trip to Disneyland, where I met Mickey Mouse.  He was wearing this costume and I swiped it from him...uh...I mean, he graciously gave it to me.

Now that you have seen my costume, you should send me some Halloween candy. Trick or treat! (Believe me, you don't want the Swami to trick you, so you'd better give me some treats!)

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Copperlily asks:  I am painting my HOUSE green, three shades, is that enough? I am trying to revert from the inside world, find solace in nature, and I want green.  Fifteen shades would be okay, with other splashes of color to represent flowers.  Am I OKAY?
Swami Abdul's answer:
I would SAY that you are in desperate need of HELP.  But that's why I AM here. First of all, learn to use the CAPS KEY on your keyboard.  Next, paint your house PLAID.  You can get more shades of green that way.  I just happen to know that this is your house, so I had it painted for you as a SURPRISE!  Aren't you GLAD you wrote to me?!?
Swami Lizard says: The joke's on Swami Abdul, that's not the right house.  The owners are calling the police right now!  Stupid bear, ahahahahaha!
Swami Abdul replies:
I'll be out of town for a while. Damn that Lizard.

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Stuffed Daddy asks: Do you know of any good bow tie stores?  My bow tie has gotten rather old and I need a good replacement.  I have asked my people to replace my tie, but they have been very neglectful of my needs.  They have been considering a bow tie-ectemy, but I shutter to think of it.  My bow tie is a big part of my persona.  Please help.  
Swami Abdul's answer:
A good bow tie is a bear's most important accessory!  A bow-tie-ectomy is unthinkable. (Where are my smelling salts?!?!) First, you may need to get new people. Then tell your people what to do: get another new bear with a good bow tie and give HIM a bow-tie-ectomy. (New bears have no personality yet, so they won't mind.  If necessary, you can give the tie-less bear some other accessory, like some cash. That should stop any whining.)   Then your humans can liquor you up real good and replace your old tie with a new one before you sober up.  Another problem solved by the great Swami!  (I, however, will NEVER let my humans near me with a pair of scissors!  I don't care how old my tie gets!)

The Mold People ask: We are in seclusion for mold remediation, and although we were able to take our computer with us to stay in communication with the outside world, an unexpected incident prompts me to correspond.  A friend who has been infected with a computer virus has emailed us. At first, I thought nothing of it and responded.  Then I was struck with the idea that unwittingly we have unleashed a new and awesome force upon the world - like when lizards or turtles come in contact with nuclear radiation.  What do you think will become of interaction between the Mold People and the Virus People?
Swami Abdul's answer:
Well now you've done it.  Here is what you have unleashed on the unsuspecting world:

+	=
A fungus plus....	the Anna Kournikova Virus =	a tennis-playing Blancmange (pudding)

Bearzstuff asks:  We were trying to build a box that held more inside than it's outside dimensions.  We used some pictures drawn by M. C. Escher as guides and built this box.  It seemed to work, but it collapses shortly after getting it pulled and pushed into position.  What went wrong?  See the attached photo.

Swami Abdul's answer: Stop!  I....I can't breathe....I think I'm having an anxiety attack.  What could have caused that???  O, yes.  It was that horrible picture of bears AT WORK!!!  No,no,no!  Bears do not work!  That's why we have human slaves!  That also explains why the box is collapsing.   Look at that box in the picture.  The bears have built it perfectly, but It was designed by a human.  An insane, artistic human from the 4th dimension, if I'm any judge of architecture.  (and, of course, I AM!)  So kick back, have a few beers and relax, while your human slaves try to make that thing work.  And don't hold your breath.  After all, they are only human.

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A globetrotting bear lover asks:  We are taking two of our bears on a trip to Greece next month where we will be taking a ferry from Athens to Mykonos. Our bears are terribly concerned that, if the boat sinks, they will not be saved unless we are. Do you have any advice for both allaying their fears and warding off any bear seasickness?
Swami Abdul's answer:
There are many interesting points to this question. 
Let's start at the beginning: why are you only taking two of your bears? They should all go. I myself have been on TWO ocean liners.  See!  Here I am relaxing in a deck chair!
Next, their fears: I understand their concern because they have probably seen the rampant bear abuse on TV shows and movies. Whenever you see someone traveling with a bear in a movie, you know that the bear will eventually be dropped during the dramatic stampede (or shipwreck) scene. The children will be saved, but the camera will pan to the sad bear on the sidewalk that is getting trampled (or lost at sea). This obviously has had a psychotic effect on your bears. Luckily, they have me to guide them through this trauma. (I should have a 1-900-YoAbdul phone line...) First of all they should demand lifejackets. They should also come prepared with a bottle of liquor for the Captain to bribe their way onto the lifeboat if necessary. They must also be brave - they may be forced to abandon their humans and they must cope with that loss. Then, after about 5 minutes of mourning, they should latch onto the richest looking humans around.
Seasickness: It's a well know fact that you can avoid seasickness by fixing your eyes on the nearest hot babe. Just keep focused on the babes and if it doesn't work, you won't care.
And finally...Bear bragging: Stop bragging about your great travel plans in the guise of asking me for advice! Just for that, I'm going to Las Vegas! harrumph.

Swami Lizard says: Toss the Swami bear overboard!

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If  YOU have a question, SWAMI ABDUL has an answer!
Write to swami@violetcrown.com