Ask Abdul  

Do you have a problem and don't know where to turn?  Are you puzzled, befuddled, or just plain dumb?  If you have a question, Swami Abdul has an answer.  Write to swami@violetcrown.com and each month the Swami will pick questions and publish his answers here at "Ask Abdul".  Occasionally Swami Lizard will chime in.

Madame Abacha asks:  I am Madam Abacha, widow of Late Gen Sanni Abaca, Former Nigerian Military head of State. Since my husband's mysterious death, my family has been under Nigeria Police surveillance and under restriction of movement. My elder son is even still in detention for Misappropriation/embelsument of public fund level against him, which he knows nothing about. Following the recent discovery of sum of US$750 Million and DM600 Million in my late husband's bank account in Switzerland, our other private family Bank Accounts Here and abroad have been frozen. As a result of this, a cash sum of US$36.5 Million, which was meant for lodgement in one of the Bank Accounts in Swiss, has been cleverly dodged and deposited with a Security Company abroad. It is for this reason that I personally appeal for your assistance to claim the money from the security Company. If you claim the funds, you will take 25% while you keep 75% in the trust for us, until you Advice us on a viable investment tax and any expenses You may incur. Dr. Sola Suleiman was assistance to my son Mohammed Who As I said is still in detention. Both of them were Fully in charge of the most of the funds and cash Movements for my late husband. Once you agree to our above term and offer, you and Dr. Sola Suleiman will Arrange to meet at Security Company abroad where the Money will be released to you.
Swami Abdul says:  
 I am the scam artist here, not you!  How about this: I go "abroad", claim the funds and then GO HOME WITH ALL OF YOUR MONEY! Yeah. That sounds like a great plan. Sign me up.

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A Worried Mommy asks: Now that summer is upon us, I was wondering how you deal with the heat? My bears have a terrible time with it, wanting to call 911 or shave their fur. Do you have any suggestions on how I can keep my little ones calm and cool this year?
Swami Abdul's answer:
Wow.  I never thought of calling 911 - what a good idea!  Personally, I never leave air conditioning because I happen to live in hell, also known as Texas.  So I am very sympathetic.  You must cater to your bears and do whatever they want - except don't shave their fabulous fur - they are just hallucinating from the heat if they ask you to do that!  (Hint for your bears: bars are air-conditioned!)  I'm having my slaves install a Star Trek transporter so that I can instantly get out of the heat. Only instant gratification is good enough for the Swami.  
Swami Lizard says: What a whiner.

Small brown bears ask: May I be so bold as to ask your family origins?  My cousin and myself feel that you may be our long lost cousin.  Are you perhaps, from Florida?
Swami Abdul's answer:
Are you rich?  In that case, say hello to you long lost cousin!  Otherwise, I've never seen you or your family before.  As befitting a Swami, my origins are strange and mysterious.
Swami Lizard says: His tag is unreadable.
Swami Abdul's answer: Get that lizard out of here!

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Dap asks:  I have never gotten an answer to this question. Maybe the great Swami can give me the answer. So here 'tis. If a pig can drink a gallon of buttermilk and run a mile before it farts, how far can it run before it shits?
Swami Abdul's answer:  I worked hard to divine this answer by eating loads of bacon and pork chops.  Then I was magically transported to The Pig Stand in San Antonio where the answer came to me: a pig can run forever before it shits, but it can only flip once before it poops!  Here is a flipping, pooping pig to prove it.  That's why pigs only flip when no one is looking. Only the Swami can show you the evidence. Thanks for asking.

Curious One asks:  Oh great and Powerful Swami Abdul, you know all and therefore we beseech of you- Who invented the wheel?
Swami Abdul's answer:
The inventor of the wheel was Elmo Flintstone, Fred Flintstone's grandfather. No one knew about this until now because Elmo was immediately run over and killed by his invention. How did the great Swami find out about it, you may ask. In searching for the answer to this question, I unearthed something never before seen or even imagined - a genuine, prehistoric cave animation! Amazingly, it just happens to depict the invention of the wheel (and Elmo's unfortunate demise). Will wonders never cease.

Concerned bear lover asks: I hope I am not being too personal, but do you hibernate? A couple of my bears are very stubborn and refuse to sleep. I think they are afraid they will miss something. Can you recommend anything to help put them into a peaceful slumber (at least for a couple of weeks)?
Swami Abdul's answer:  Threaten to send them to Swami Abdul's "Time Out for Bad Bears" Academy. Here is a sample schedule of fun activities at the Academy: 

6:30am - Start the day with Golf on TV (without Tiger Woods)
7:30am - This week's "Reading Out Loud" sessions feature technical papers on "IEEE Standards", "TCP/IP Protocol", and "XML Specifications"!
3:30pm - Today's movie: "The English Patient"
7:00pm - Evening activity: Court TV (without Judge Judy)
9:00pm - After-dinner entertainment: Reading Congressional records
Tomorrow's Special All Day Event: a series of speeches by accountants on the topic "My Typical Day"!

Just putting the brochure on their bed where they can see it when they start to wake up will guarantee that they will snooze for a least 2 weeks.  Do I hibernate?  Often and well.  I am the Nap King!  I excel in taking naps, as I excel in everything that I do.

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Small brown bears ask:  What is your favorite champagne (aka cham-pon-ia)?
Swami Abdul's answer:
Very expensive champagne bought by somebody else.  Like when Caesar's Palace gave me their special champagne.  I, Swami Abdul, should never have to BUY champagne.  Since you pronounce it "cham-pon-ia", you are either very snooty or French.  Oh, wait.  That's redundant.  Anyway, you should probably be able to send me some really good bubbly!  Or some fine wine.  That reminds me of the great La Tache I had at the Carmel Highlands while gazing at the ocean....and that fine wine from the Arizona Biltmore in Phoenix.  I was on my way back from Vegas where I had met up with some disreputable small brown bears at Treasure Island.  You wouldn't happen to know them would you?

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CPickles asks:  Oh Great and Wise Swami Abdul - On a recent trip to Vegas, my cousin and I had our well loved bears (who are dead ringers for you, oh great one) restuffed. While we are pleased with their new, powerful appearance, we can't help but feel as though we have lost something. Should we feel guilty about these feelings and will they diminish over time?
Swami Abdul's answer:
AAAAACCKKK! wooooh.... (thud!)
Swami Lizard: Ha ha. He fainted.
Swami Abdul: What happened? O, yes...STUFFED ANIMAL ABUSE!  I should turn you in for that! And what's with the Vegas angle? Is this a "kidnap a bear, take him to Las Vegas and knock the stuffing out of him" scheme? Thanks for the warning! How would you like to have the stuffing ripped out of you? Yes, you've lost something. Your minds! Should you feel guilty? Of course. And the only way to diminish those feelings is to donate lots of money to the Animal Abuse Charitable Kitty (AACK) organization that I have just set up. I collect money, your guilty feelings disappear. Seems fair to me. 
Swami Lizard: The bear is too chicken to have plastic surgery.
Swami Abdul: I have no use for plastic surgery. I'm perfect.
Swami Lizard: Maybe they are girl bears.
Swami Abdul: That changes everything. Plastic surgery is ok for girl bears - especially in Las Vegas. Are they performing in Vegas now? I'll go check them out!

A Wishless One asks: O Great Swami Abdul - Would you grant me 3 wishes? Any good ideas on what those wishes should be?
Swami Abdul's answer: 
No, because your first wish would undoubtedly be...to be ME! Then, when you were me, you would wish for ultimate power over everything. Your final wish would be to have the world's only flying car. What could be more perfect that to be ME, with power over everything and zooming around in my incredibly cool, flying car?  That reminds me, where's that cocky genie of mine?

The Swami in his duck-powered flying car.

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CR asks:  Swami Abdul,  O Great One, will I find love....with a bear or otherwise?
Swami Abdul's answer:
Yes!  Especially if you do it like everyone else: pay cash.  That's how I found my girlfriend on Melrose Avenue in LA.  However, I am already very fond of you since you are intelligent and have great taste - which I have divined by your calling me "O Great One".  Keep it up and I'm sure I'll soon be in love!  But if you don't have cash, you may have to look elsewhere.  The main thing is to stop hanging out with your girlfriends and hang out where the guys are.  So I would suggest looking in computer stores or in Silicon Valley.  See those computer nerds?  They have the perfect attributes: they are L-O-N-E-L-Y and they have jobs!  Now that I have solved your problem, tell me where it is that your girlfriends hang out and I will keep them company while you are away.

Curiouser Georges asks: Should I walk to work, or bag my lunch?
Swami Abdul's answer:
Both, but only if you work for me. My workers are slaves and work for the great honor of being of service to me. Otherwise, what are you? A moron? Only an idiot would do either of those barbaric things. Live a little! Do you expect to live forever? Geez. Personally, I take a limo and dine at fine restaurants.
Swami Lizard says: He's lying.

CR asks (again):
Oh Great Master, thank you for responding to this humble one. If you would be so kind as to perhaps acknowledge me once again, perhaps you may answer this question-to be worthy of your love, how may I acquire cash? Just wondering, as so far in my life I have not had a ton of  it fall into my lap. I am hoping you may have some ideas- being the See-all, Know-all, Master of the Internet and all other places! All my Love, CR 
 P.S. As I search for Love & Cash, my girlfriends are hanging out at the local saloon swigging beers and trading stories about Not-So-Great Ones. I am sure they would love to see you and be enlightened with your wisdom...
Swami Abdul's answer:
That's easy. To have a ton of cash fall into your lap, become a lap dancer! I'm off to that local saloon, but let me know when you start dancing.

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December 2000 Questions: 

F. M asks:  Write me a poem.
Swami Abdul's answer:
That is not a question!  Just this once I will overlook your mistake and give you a great literary creation: a haiku (or two) by Swami Abdul.   

Great Swami Abdul
Happy to receive presents
Smiling eyes twinkle

He opens them now
Ripping, tearing the wrapping
Glad to be Abdul.

Voila!  A masterpiece!  Now where are my presents?  Give me presents!

B. N. asks:  I lost my recipe for Blue Soup. Can you help me out?
Swami Abdul's answer:
The Smurfs took it and they won't give it back.  I hate those Smurfs.  But don't despair.  The Swami will give you another one just as good.  It's an ancient recipe known only to swamis: 
Step 1:  Make some soup.
Step 2:  Add blue coloring.
That should do it.  Another problem solved!

An Admirer asks:   Do you think drunk cowboys should be allowed to drive trucks? shoot big guns? run countries?
Swami Abdul's answer:
Yes, as long as they do it on another planet.
At first I was thinking that we should ship them (and their obnoxious, empty trucks that they drive in the city because that's where they really live) to Saudi Arabia. The Saudi's would straighten them out in a jiffy and then they could do what today's cowboys should do - drive their trucks around in the middle of a steaming-hot wasteland looking for oil.  But then I decided that the Saudi's would probably get pretty sick of them and want to send them back.

Otie asks:  I really like your Eskimo Pie cap that you wear in the Bear Bitch Project.  I want it.  Give it to me.  Can I have it?
Swami Abdul's answer:
No.
Swami Lizard says:
Make me an offer.

A.G. asks:  Why do you fly Southwest Airlines?  Surely an important bear like yourself could fly on any airline. 
Swami Abdul's answer:
It's good to see that you recognize my importance.   I fly Southwest because they have never lost me or my luggage.  They have never taken off from the wrong runway or landed in the wrong city, like some other airlines.  Plus they have attitude and they treat me like the VIP that I am.  I get to fly the plane and the CEO writes to me personally.   Any company that has a CEO with a sense of humor should be supported.   I also get fan mail from the airline's mascot, T. J. Luv.  He made Rene, who works at the airline's headquarters, send me his picture.  They love me.  I like that in an airline.

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November, 2000 Questions:

R.L. asks:  I entered my website in a contest but they disqualified me because they said I broke the rules. I didn't know I had broken any rules. Now I am sad and angry. What should I do?
Swami Abdul's answer:
1. Denounce your detractors as idiots. This will bring self-satisfaction, the first step on Swami Abdul's path to enlightenment and joy.
2. Sulk.  Perform this enjoyable activity for 2 days.
3. Do something else.  Move along the enlightenment path by focusing on another activity such as planning a coup, playing with a toy or making a lot of money.  Presto!  You are enlightened and joyful.  Next question.

Irate Parent asks:  How do you pick your role models?
Swami Abdul's answer:  They must have specific qualities: power, the desire to rule the world, wealth and (most important) a really cool uniform.  Bill Gates would have made the list, but he has no cool uniform.  If I were head of Microsoft, there would be a great Microsoft uniform for every employee.  Not some stupid polo shirt, but a jacket with epaulets and gold metal and stuff.  And boots and a hat with feathers. Ooooh...and a sword!

Bozo asks:  Why don't you have a message board?
Swami Abdul's answer:  Because message boards are inhabited by evil spirits.  Haven't you noticed how a nice, normal person becomes an evil, sadistic slut whenever they get near a message board?  I have.

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If  YOU have a question, SWAMI ABDUL has an answer!
Write to swami@violetcrown.com