Ask Abdul  

Do you have a problem and don't know where to turn?  Are you puzzled, befuddled, or just plain dumb?  If you have a question, Swami Abdul has an answer.  Write to swami@violetcrown.com and each month the Swami will pick questions and publish his answers here at "Ask Abdul".  Occasionally Swami Lizard will chime in.

Roy asks: Is that your cousin on the front of the tank (see attachment)?
Swami Abdul's answer:
Yes, that is my goofy cousin.  He is liberating Iraq.
I, on the other hand, have decided to liberate Monaco.   Monaco attracts beautiful celebrities and has casinos that make money out the wazoo. Now that's the kind of place that I want to liberate!  Even if the existing monarchy decides to torch their money-making resources, namely the casinos, they won't cause a smelly ecological disaster. And after I liberate them, I will graciously appoint myself King.  Have fun in the hot, smelly desert, Cousin, while I look for my tux to wear to the casino.

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Yoga Bear asks: Have you ever tried yoga??  My person is very into it and swears she will become enlightened by her yoga and meditation practice.  Is this how you became enlightened?
Swami Abdul's answer:
I have many ways of being enlightened. Listen carefully as I am about to reveal ancient secrets given to me by knowledgeable mystics.  I am enlightened by...a lamp!  Sometimes a spotlight, sometimes a flashbulb from a camera. Often by the sun.  Now I must stop before I reveal too many ancient secrets.
Why twist your body into painful positions when you can turn on a lamp??? But then, I'm the swami - your person is not!

Randy asks: Oh Wise One, your unworthy servant humbly begs your momentary indulgence to consider an extremely foolish question that is light years beneath a being of your magnificence.  I am deeply sorry to interrupt your profound musings upon philosophies of far greater magnitude than lesser minds than yours could even imagine; i.e. that which existed, or not, before the birth of the universe, and before that.  I must know the answer to this question though it be exponentially beneath your notice. 

Master, why do dogs sniff each others assholes?
Swami Abdul's answer:
You are obviously someone I want to hear from because of you heightened awareness of my greatness. I have decided to bestow upon you a great gift: you may be my student. But you must first prove your worthiness.  You will do this by sniffing the ass of a dog. You must then tell me if it is sweet or as nasty as a mule's behind. Then I will answer your question.
Swami Lizard says: Don't do it!  I heard the bear saying "That will teach him to ask me questions I can't answer! Next he's going to have to wax my car!"

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Scotty the Beamer asks: Abdul!! You are becoming a slacker!!! Have you given up answering questions??
Swami Abdul's answer:
I'm not a slacker!  Nothing is EVER my fault! My slaves are slackers, plus everyone else is slacking off because they haven't asked any good questions.  Unless you count all those emails asking if I want to increase the size of my penis.  I don't even HAVE one.  Stupid slackers!

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Small Brown Bear asks: Happy New Year Swami!!!  I  did not make any New Year's Resolutions this year.  Did you?  I have decided, instead, to create a theme for this year.  My theme is No More Mr. Nice Bear.  If you would have a theme, what would it be??
Swami Abdul's answer:
My theme for this year is "It's all about ME in 2003!" (Last year it was: "Abdul it's YOU in 2002!".  The year before that it was "Abdul's got a cute bun in 2001!")
I like your theme too, by the way. I may steal it. Whatta you gonna do about it?
As for resolutions, I believe in making resolutions that are easy to carry out.  This year my resolution is "Make Abdul happy". I'm going to go work on my resolution right now by eating some candy and watching some TV. heh.

Don asks:  The question you have listed (04/01) is incomplete.  I heard it years ago and it goes like this: If a pig drinks a quart of buttermilk before he starts, runs a mile before he farts, another mile before he slips, how much farther till he shits?  The answer had the first line: In order for me to win this bet, I must go back to where the fart was let.  That is all I can recall of the riddle.  Can you finish it ?
Swami Abdul's answer:
Of course, but I should get part of the winnings of the bet! Here's the answer:
The farmer was a mile from where the pig started,
The pig passed the farmer just as he farted,
The farmer heard the pig spewing out gas,
And saw buttermilk fumes coming straight out his ass..
So it seems to me, if this pig could hold his gas,
And run a mile with a puckered up ass
Then he should be able to keep his wits,
And run five miles before he shits!!!

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If  YOU have a question, SWAMI ABDUL has an answer!
Write to swami@violetcrown.com